I have a TV that basically looks like this thing.

I hate television. It’s old and it doesn’t smell as good as it used to. Plus the internet does all the things that television does, except for it sadly doesn’t have any commercials. I miss those things.

However, I still need to own a TV. This is because of a little blessing/curse that I like to call ‘video games.’ (I hope that term catches on!) That’s why almost exactly one year ago, I marched down to my local Best Buy and purchased a Philips 27″ Flat Screen TV.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You are saying in your brain, “Jason. Why did you not purchase an LCD?” Well, I will tell you.

I am poor. Well, not that poor, but I am also not rich. And we have yet to create a word in the English language that describes people that are neither poor nor rich in one syllable. Therefore I have to pick one or the other.

Compared to the rest of the world, I am very rich. I will prove it to you. I have:

  • A/C
  • Electric Lighting
  • Plumbing
  • TV
  • Computer
  • Internet
  • Car
  • A/C
  • MP3 Player (A.K.A. Instant Music)
  • A/C
  • A can of shoe polish

The rest of the world does not have these things. I should know. I asked them. That is how I know that I’m rich in comparison to the rest of the world. However, I am poor in comparison to a lot of Americans. This is because I do not have:

  • A house
  • A ‘nice car’ (meaning any car made after 1993 with functional A/C)
  • 2 or more ‘nice cars’
  • 2 or more TV’s
  • 2 or more MP3 players
  • 2 or more cans of shoe polish

As you can see, I am neither ‘rich’ nor ‘poor’. And yet I am both ‘rich’ and ‘poor’. I am forced to choose. I have decided to choose ‘poor’ so that I may play the sympathy card. You are feeling sorry for me already. I can taste it. It is very salty.

That is why I was forced to purchase mediocre technology. But it’s not bad technology either. We have no term in the English language to describe the area in between mediocre and bad. Therefore, I am forced to choose. Never mind. I think I’m going to just quit while I’m ahead. Good night.


If you were paying any attention at all, you would have noticed that I posted earlier today about this product.

I got on a long tangent about nothing, and forgot what I was actually going to say about the product. How silly of me. Please forgive me. That was not a request.

Are you familiar with the various defects a TV can have? There are so many! As a person who used to walk in the electronics department of a prominent retailer, I can say with much confidence that I have seen many TV’s decay right in front of my eyes!

Sometimes the power supply goes bad, and it won’t turn on. Sometimes the switch goes bad, and it won’t turn on. If it’s a plasma, you can start to lose individual pixels. Or on some older plasmas, you could have an image burnt into your screen permanently.

The most sad defect, however, is when a TV randomly starts picking up discolored spots. This is what happened to my TV. Two weeks after I bought it.

Oh, great, I know what you are thinking now… “Jason, why did you not simply return this TV? You could have exchanged it for a nice, new, non-defective one. Or you could even have received a full refund.”

Haven’t you ever heard of laziness, you critical human being? Stop lecturing me in my head with Mr. Roger’s voice. As I just showed two sentences earlier, there’s a reason for everything I do. Or don’t do.

Anyways, if that’s what you’re thinking, then you’re right. I’m not complaining against Philips. They’re a great brand in my opinion, and there’s a reason I bought one of their TV’s.

Actually, I’m not complaining at all. In fact, I just realized that I could look at the positive side of this whole situation.

I happen to be the only person I know who has a TV that can make Johnny Depp look like a smurf, or make Ingrid Bergman look like she has cirrhosis. Beat that.